So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Don't make out with my wife yet
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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