You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
