u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
