Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
