If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
