No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
