Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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