i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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