Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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