im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
