i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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