If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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