I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.