im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?