at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.