i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
