i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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