I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
