either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
barbara walters just said penis...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
