I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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