My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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