Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
