Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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