I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
