Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
