So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
