Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
