sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
