You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
