My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
