Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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