I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
