Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
