i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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