my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
