dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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