Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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