i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
