He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
