She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
sex in a hospital.. check
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
