me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
