VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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