3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
