how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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