dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
