You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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