I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
