How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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