you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
