Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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