Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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