I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
