he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
