The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
